To celebrate (A) the life of Andy Whitfield; (B) the launch of Spartacus: Vengeance; and (C) muscle boys, in general; we present a comparative study of actors who have played the seminal (tee-hee!) role of Spartacus - the former gladiator who led a major slave uprising against the Roman Republic in the Third Servile War.
(Whew, what a mouthful. I hate run-on sentences.)
And so we proceed to rate the guys based on four categories because there's nothing more supremely satisfying than objectifying the denizens of our collective fantasies.
Let's begin!
HEADSHOT
ANDY WHITFIELD / 4 Points
Handsome, masculine, relaxed, sensitive, peppered with oodles of sex appeal and an air of mischief.
KIRK DOUGLAS / 3 Points
Distinguished, quietly confident, somewhat brooding, with laser-like focus that pierces through celluloid.
Only bummer is the oily face.
Only bummer is the oily face.
LIAM MCINTYRE / 2 Points
Generically pretty, like every cute frat boy or jock you ever fantasized having a one night stand with.
Needs to learn how to relax his the facial muscles, because this is a headshot and therefore he doesn't need to look angry.
Needs to learn how to relax his the facial muscles, because this is a headshot and therefore he doesn't need to look angry.
GORAN VISNJIC / 1 Point
Screams "Wannabe." Nondescript, unremarkable, bad hair dye job.
POSTER
KIRK DOUGLAS (1960) / 4 Points
This is high art.
Plus it's just cool to be billed ABOVE Sir Laurence Olivier, natch.
Plus it's just cool to be billed ABOVE Sir Laurence Olivier, natch.
ANDY WHITFIELD (2011) / 3 Points
Reeks of power and menace and anger and danger. Plus those blades are ready to claw your eyeballs out, in case you dare rank him any lower.
LIAM MCINTYRE (2012) / 2 Points
Same face as before, I'm bored already.
Thank goodness you can sniff a whiff of sex in this poster, otherwise I'd fall right asleep.
Thank goodness you can sniff a whiff of sex in this poster, otherwise I'd fall right asleep.
GORAN VISNJIC (2004) / 1 Point
Spartacus just had his hair done, dintcha know.
SPARTACUS PORTRAIT
ANDY WHITFIELD / 4 Points
He's got so much depth in his expession. He's cynical and violent, sad and vulnerable.
KIRK DOUGLAS / 3 Points
Mad props for being tight, toned and taut during a time when fleshy beefcakes were considered sexy.
LIAM MCINTYRE / 2 Points
There's that defalt face again!
He reminds me of Keanu Reeves, whose only expression is the furrowed brow.
He reminds me of Keanu Reeves, whose only expression is the furrowed brow.
GORAN VISNJIC / 1 Point
With that wimpy, helpless, effeminate, just-out-of-the-grooming-salon puppy dog look, he is a shipwreck.
Therefore, he is more fit to play Bassanio in Merchant of Venice than Spartacus.
Therefore, he is more fit to play Bassanio in Merchant of Venice than Spartacus.
THE MONEY SHOT
(a.k.a. "What's the bottomline, guys?
What are we really looking at?")
LIAM MCINTYRE / 4 Points
His cup runneth over.
Pretty boy acquits himself beautifully.
Pretty boy acquits himself beautifully.
ANDY WHITFIELD / 3 Points
The most beautiful legs on a man, ever; in my never so humble opinion.
KIRK DOUGLAS / 2 Points
OK, he is wearing diapers! Kudos for being so committed!
GORAN VISNJIC (rightmost, wearing corset and skirt) / 1 Point
Lame.
RESULT
1st Place / 14 Points
ANDY WHITFIELD
2nd Place / 12 Points
KIRK DOUGLAS
3rd Place / 10 Points
LIAM MCINTYRE
4th Place / 4 Points
GORAN VISNJIC
// :o //
